Looking for Love
Portia Thompson, TFC Member
Upon reading the Greatest Love Commandment of all time, I was pressed. It says:
"Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?" He said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. ' This is the greatest and first commandment. Love God above all else. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
I was pressed because I think I had the first one down. However, part of the second commandment was a little tricky. “Love your neighbor as yourself”. I think I love people. I think. I try to. But loving yourself was non-existent in my life.
I had experienced too much brainwashing into thinking that my heart and mind and soul were evil and born that way. That trauma had (and still has) me thinking that I am tainted. From the very beginning. And that Jesus is the only way to cleanse it all. And if I mess up and sin, I am back to my tainted self. Hellbound.
So growing up was hard as hell. Pun intended.
One thing I remember vividly growing up was the thought that no one loved me. Mind you I was surrounded by a loving family. Though stern and upright, there was much love in my family.
Thus when bell hooks writes about how people that feel unloved are conditioned this way by outside forces, I knew that feeling unloved was a ball of mess that didn’t need to be sorted as to why the mess was there. It just needed to be cleaned up.
Somewhere in my childhood, an idea that I was unlovable was seeded and rooted in me. And it grew to this despondent, tree of a woman that would mask her sadness and rejection behind a happy and pleasing smile.
bell hooks writes in her book All About Love that “...the wounded heart learns self-love by first overcoming low self-esteem.” Shucks. That seems sorta hard to do, considering that I have low self-esteem and low self-worth.
I don’t TOTALLY blame the church for this but also my environment. You see, I was a poor black daughter of a single mother. A single mother eschewed relationships with others (men and women) and felt that a sort of “sanctification” would be necessary to raise her children.
My mother tried her damned-ness to raise us into “saved” individuals. However, we (my brother, sister, and I) continued to be very flawed and naive individuals. So it makes perfect sense for me to do what bell hooks writes next.
bell hooks writes that “...self-love cannot flourish in isolation”. She is right. It cannot. With this in mind, prior to reading her, I set out to meet like-minded individuals that were about love, affection, and positivity.
It took a lot of trial and error but I have met my people in the Blerd community of groups that I participate in. I have also met my people in the Faith Community. Having people to affirm you and pour into you and surround you with LOVE, really helps with any self-love that you are trying to find.
I spent most of my life looking for love. Jimmy Lee sings:
I was looking for love in all the wrong places
Lookin’ for love in too many faces
Searchin’ their eyes
Lookin’ for traces of what I’m dreaming of…
Looking in all the wrong places. I also remember as a child praying for friends, praying for people to love me. Praying for people to love me. PRAYING FOR PEOPLE TO LOVE ME. It was such an earnest prayer. Right alongside my prayer for authenticity in my life (for another time). And honestly, I probably had love in my life but something was so missing. And it was loving myself.
bell hooks writes about many things in All About Love that have helped me to realize how I needed to love myself. She writes “...the fear of being self-assertive usually surfaces in women who have been trained to be good girls or dutiful daughters”.
When you have a line of single strong mothers that train their daughters to be good, godly women, self-assertion is thrown out the door. I see my mother daily not saying no. Not putting her foot down. And I am the same.
I remember vividly telling my partner, who was my best friend at the time, about hanging out with a guy. And I quipped “I don’t really like him”. He challenged me. He said, “why are you hanging with him then? Is it only because he likes you? Because obviously, you don’t like him”.
And I was stuck. I really didn’t like that guy but I felt obligated to spend time with him because he liked me. I was taught that from the cradle. And now looking back, I feel a sort of shame for wasting my time and energy on things that I didn’t like or was coerced into doing because I felt I couldn’t say no. As women, we are trained that no is being mean and hateful so saying anything other than that helps us to keep our femininity.
Today, I am confronting all of this. As bell hooks writes, “If we succeed without confronting and changing shaky foundations of low self-esteem rooted in contempt and hatred, we will falter along the way.”
I don’t want to falter. There are many times that I hold myself in contempt. I hate myself at times. And I am praying, affirming, asserting, being responsible, and just OUTRIGHT and OUTLOUD loving on myself.
It helps that I have partners that love me dearly. And I love them. They check my self-deprecating remarks and see when I go to the dark place in my head. They pull me out. Community is so necessary for loving yourself.
Thank God for this Faith Community. That challenges me with sacred texts like this to help me love myself more. And lastly, though my family is flawed, love still shines brightly in us. They love me so much and I so them. All these things are NECESSARY for loving oneself. And I am so glad I know now.